MY FEET IN THE SAND: 10 DON'TS: Say, Ask or Do Part 2

Over the past, almost year now, I've encountered for the most part wonderful gracious people when you tell them you are a Breast Cancer Soldier (meaning you're still battling) or Survivor (you've been declared Cancer-Free).  However, like in any situation, I've also encountered some weird and insensitive commentary.

So for those who don't know what to say the next time you hear a person say, "I'm battling or been diagnosed with Breast Cancer" (or any debilitating physical disease or ailment for that matter), here's a short list of what you probably shouldn't say, ask or do...  Part 2

6) "I am there with you...I am going through this with you..."  It sounds good but it really isn't true.  Trust me, if you are not here with me, you ain't going through it.  If you are physically present with me, you get to witness the process.  However, trust me when I say,  your behind is not spitting fire as chemo pours from you.  You probably wish you could take away the pain or share in the burden and that would be a better statement.

7) Share depressing or tragic stories:
Why do people think that the minute you share information about what's happening to you or what you're experiencing is the time to share depressing stories?  This don't, can be applied to anything in life.  My therapist sanctioned this one.  She rides a motorcycle-- she didn't think I noticed that fly leather jacket hanging on the back of her door-- I digress... Anywhoo, she shared the same sentiment.  When people find out she rides a bike, why do they feel the need to express how they know a friend of a friend of a friend who was left splattered in the middle of the highway...  Really?  Please keep the stories of how your mother's friend, daughter's, cousin's, friend, cat owner's, sister's, uncle's, niece's, friend battled Cancer to the end only to be hit by a bus and left splattered in the middle of the road.  Really, we all could do without that one.

8)  Communicate in a state of high emotion:
Feel free to go there with me if I go there.  But if you are particularly sad or weepy or unbalanced, save your call or visit for another time.  If I'm not there, I can't jump on that ride with you.

9)  Maintain the same expectations of me:
During and after Cancer, I am not the same person.  Right now I can't jump as high, walk as fast or Tee Tee, Kee Kee in the same way.  I can't cook three times a week, clean and keep up the house, travel or move in the same way.  I can't keep up in the same way.  Until I can, be patient with me or wait to come around when I can...

10) Offer Unsolicited Advice...then get upset when I reject it:
Like with many other experiences in life, I've found that the minute I offer that I'm battling or have battled Cancer, EVERYBODY who has been touched by Cancer even with a long-handled spoon becomes an expert.  First off, if you are not a medical professional skilled in the area of Oncology, keep quiet about your medical opinion.  I have enough information being poured into my brain, I don't need your mis-information too.  I had, stress had a friend who visited me.  While visiting she called one of her boo-thangs--his mother battled cancer.  I watched as she grabbed the nearest receipt to write down some information.  She concluded her conversation and handed me my receipt. 

Her: Here, my friend who is a trainer recommended that you get this herb...

Me: What's it for?

Her: Some kinda pill that isolates the cancerous cells.  His mother had cancer and he found it, it worked for her.

Me: Oh, what type of cancer did she have?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Oh.  How's she doing?

Her: Oh, she's dead but while she was living it worked.

Me: Hmmmm.... did you hear yourself?

Her: Well I'm just trying to help....don't use it if you don't want it...damn...*ethnic neck spasms* blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah............blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Offering unsolicited advice especially based on third party experiences do nothing more than piss off a Soldier.  And usually it is not well received even if it is good advice.

The bottom line is, think about what you're saying before you say it.  Consider your purpose, what are you trying to do, say or affect.  Think about if what you're saying is edifying and finally, ask yourself, is it necessary?

These are just some of the ways, we can save each other a little heartache and headache.  Think about what you're saying before you say it, and I bet we'll all get along just fine.

MY FEET IN THE SAND: 10 Don'ts: Say, Ask or Do Part 1

Over the past, almost year now, I've encountered for the most part wonderful gracious people when you tell them you are a Breast Cancer Soldier (meaning you're still battling) or Survivor (you've been declared Cancer-Free).  However, like in any situation, I've also encountered some weird and insensitive commentary.

So for those who don't know what to say the next time you hear a person say, "I'm battling or been diagnosed with Breast Cancer (or any debilitating physical disease or ailment for that matter), here's a short list of what you probably shouldn't say, ask or do...

1)  Keep in touch and call me when you want to talk:
*Sigh*  I get you don't want to disturb me, but the expectation that I should call you when I want to talk is ludicrous.  There were days I couldn't make it anywhere but from the bed to the bowl.  You call me.  If I can and am willing to talk, I will.  If it's a bad day, I'll let your call go into voicemail and get back you when I can.  Don't take it personally.  I'm battling the big C.

2) Does it run in your family?
If answering this question comes out in conversation, fine.  When you ask this question, and the answer is no, I've gotten an "aww... that's really tragic" feel.  When I answer yes, I get the facial expression or sentiment of, "okay... then you kinda should have expected it..."  Newsflash:  nobody deserves Cancer, Aids, MS, ALS or any condition, illness or disease.  Whether or not it runs in your family shouldn't dictate one's level of empathy.

3) At least advances have been made; it's not like it used to be so you'll be alright:
Whenever you start off with "at least" you might want to stop right there.  Yes advances have been made and I'm grateful for that.  However, in that moment, when you get or deliver the news, the advances in battling the disease don't lesson your anxiety about it.  When you say at least, think about your purpose for saying what you're saying.

4)  Make sure you get up everyday, put on your make-up and don't lie around:
See #1.  Do you think a person who is lying around really wants to be?  In between pooping and puking my brains out, as my limbs buckle every ten seconds, I would love to make it 30 ft. to my patio and experience the sunshine but right now... I can't.  And applying "Cherries in the Snow" lipstick isn't going to help.

5)  Ask what one's type of or stage someone's cancer is in:
Or any other personally detailed question.  If one wants to volunteer personal information, by all means discuss it.  However when the question is asked, especially of a newly diagnosed person, I want to know why are you asking?  Does it matter?  It's almost as if the answer dictates one's level of empathy.  I especially loved it when I answered with Breast Cancer and I've gotten an, "oh well that's not so bad" look or feel.  I really love it when one lunges in about someone they know who had stage 4 pancreatic cancer as if that cancer trumps my cancer--NOT.  Cancer is Cancer.  Period.     

Check back on Thursday for Part 2...