As I deal in truth, I admit to having conversations with God...."I'm not asking to go but if you decide that my time is now, I won't be mad at you...." Yes, the pain I was experiencing in those moments warranted that sentiment. I also had fleeting moments of ending my life which will be discussed in detail in a later post, concerning the necessity and shamelessness of therapy.
But today, this is (got) real. I saw a Facebook post from a friend announcing the death of Meshach Taylor, Designing Women--because of Cancer. At this writing, he has been proclaimed on his deathbed at 67 but not deceased.
|Meshach Taylor, Designing Women|
In my pain, I was okay with dying if I had to. I'd made peace with it. After all, should it be my time, it is God's will and I will (I hope) have fulfilled my purpose in God's will for my time here on earth. As I began to emerge from the illness and recovery, I've discovered that my purpose is still being revealed and I'm gaining strength and confidence in what I was put on this Earth to do. In other words, I'm not ready to die, I don't want to die.
Today, fear of the possibility of death flooded me. I allow the thought to flow through me for a limited time.
My thoughts now, not rest with 'I don't want to die' but I want and choose to live. And while I live, I strive and work and joyously fulfill my God given purpose for my life for however long God wills me to do and be.
My sincere prayer is that I hear God say, "With you my child I am well pleased..." And when that time comes, it will come. Until then, I am rejoicing in the land of the living, grateful to God that He is giving me another chance to get it right in Him.