MY FEET IN THE SAND: This Is Real

For the first time since being diagnosed in September, the thought of my possible death because of this disease, etched an imprint in my brain.

As I deal in truth, I admit to having conversations with God...."I'm not asking to go but if you decide that my time is now, I won't be mad at you...."  Yes, the pain I was experiencing in those moments warranted that sentiment.  I also had fleeting moments of ending my life which will be discussed in detail in a later post, concerning the necessity and shamelessness of therapy.

But today, this is (got) real.  I saw a Facebook post from a friend announcing the death of Meshach Taylor, Designing Women--because of Cancer.  At this writing, he has been proclaimed on his deathbed at 67 but not deceased.

Meshach Taylor, Designing Women
 

My friend, hearing her distress for my condition as well, exclaimed how she hates Cancer and wishes it be gone.  Well at this writing,  Urban Daily Taylor's death was refuted and corrected to show that he is on his deathbed, none-the-less because of Cancer.  Two weeks ago, Joan Lunden, Good Morning America announced that she has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  And today it hit me, with all of the awareness and research, people are still dying from this disease.

In my pain, I was okay with dying if I had to.  I'd made peace with it.  After all, should it be my time, it is God's will and I will (I hope) have fulfilled my purpose in God's will for my time here on earth.  As I began to emerge from the illness and recovery, I've discovered that my purpose is still being revealed and I'm gaining strength and confidence in what I was put on this Earth to do.  In other words, I'm not ready to die, I don't want to die. 

Today, fear of the possibility of death flooded me.  I allow the thought to flow through me for a limited time. 

My thoughts now, not rest with 'I don't want to die' but I want and choose to live.  And while I live, I strive and work and joyously fulfill my God given purpose for my life for however long God wills me to do and be. 

My sincere prayer is that I hear God say, "With you my child I am well pleased..."  And when that time comes, it will come.  Until then, I am rejoicing in the land of the living, grateful to God that He is giving me another chance to get it right in Him.