MY FEET IN THE SAND: This Is Real

For the first time since being diagnosed in September, the thought of my possible death because of this disease, etched an imprint in my brain.

As I deal in truth, I admit to having conversations with God...."I'm not asking to go but if you decide that my time is now, I won't be mad at you...."  Yes, the pain I was experiencing in those moments warranted that sentiment.  I also had fleeting moments of ending my life which will be discussed in detail in a later post, concerning the necessity and shamelessness of therapy.

But today, this is (got) real.  I saw a Facebook post from a friend announcing the death of Meshach Taylor, Designing Women--because of Cancer.  At this writing, he has been proclaimed on his deathbed at 67 but not deceased.

Meshach Taylor, Designing Women
 

My friend, hearing her distress for my condition as well, exclaimed how she hates Cancer and wishes it be gone.  Well at this writing,  Urban Daily Taylor's death was refuted and corrected to show that he is on his deathbed, none-the-less because of Cancer.  Two weeks ago, Joan Lunden, Good Morning America announced that she has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  And today it hit me, with all of the awareness and research, people are still dying from this disease.

In my pain, I was okay with dying if I had to.  I'd made peace with it.  After all, should it be my time, it is God's will and I will (I hope) have fulfilled my purpose in God's will for my time here on earth.  As I began to emerge from the illness and recovery, I've discovered that my purpose is still being revealed and I'm gaining strength and confidence in what I was put on this Earth to do.  In other words, I'm not ready to die, I don't want to die. 

Today, fear of the possibility of death flooded me.  I allow the thought to flow through me for a limited time. 

My thoughts now, not rest with 'I don't want to die' but I want and choose to live.  And while I live, I strive and work and joyously fulfill my God given purpose for my life for however long God wills me to do and be. 

My sincere prayer is that I hear God say, "With you my child I am well pleased..."  And when that time comes, it will come.  Until then, I am rejoicing in the land of the living, grateful to God that He is giving me another chance to get it right in Him.

My Advice to Joan Lunden....

Joan Lunden, Breast Cancer

My advice to Joan Lunden.....

1) Formulate your core team i.e. #teamtoni, immediately.  They have to be a group that near or far truly, really and honestly has your back.  They have to be willing to go the distance.  If you happen upon those who can't or won't, don't take it personally and drop that dandelion from your garden immediately.

2) Take a Knee Cadet.  Give yourself a gut check and trust it like never before.

3) Ask for what you want and when you get a no or maybe, don't take it personally just swiftly move on to the next yes.

4) Cautiously and intuitively allow for unsolicited advice.  Now that you've gone public even public with outer core friends, every body and their Grandma is an expert.

5) Friends will be friends, some friends will become acquaintances, other acquaintances will become friends and some gone.  The ones that choose to go, let them go.  Like never before remember, reason, season or lifetime and when season is due...rejoice for the glorious times had.

6) Find your voice and set boundaries as needed with anyone.

7) Be true to yourself and your feelings, we can handle it.

8) Get 2nd and 3rd opinions if need be....follow your gut.

9) Your experience is yours and nobody else's.  Don't let anyone skew your experience.

10) Stay off of the internet!  Find a trusted medical information advocate who can search and disseminate solid information.

11) No.  Is an anointed word.  Use it.

12) Finally, you are the Captain of your own ship.  Your loved ones have a right to their opinion but you make the ultimate choices right for you.

And if you think I only wrote this only for Joan Lunden, repeat steps 1-12!