MY FEET IN THE SAND: Finishing The Fight

As I look back over my life... and I think things over... I can truly say that I've Been BLESSED.... is a line from one of my favorite gospel songs.  Today, November, 2014 I stand in the eye of that Blessing, looking forward to a breathtaking new dawn.

Friday October 31 was the final day of Breast Cancer Awareness 2014.  I admit this journey has been amazing and arduous simultaneously. 

When I say I wouldn't take nothing for my journey... Maya Angelou, that statement resounds as one of grace.  On September 3, 2013 I found a lump.  On October 30, 2014 I stand before you having won and learned... invaluable lessons about life and me.

Me after exercise and Voting

When I first learned of my diagnosis I inhaled every cliché I could find-- CANCER PICKED THE WRONG DIVA, FIGHT [CANCER] LIKE A GIRL, GIVE CANCER A SWIFT KICK IN THE ASS.  They helped and I  would come to rely on them for comfort in some of the darkest times I could imagine.  However, in a time when it was drilled in my head to be selfish and self-absorbed about me and my healing; my greatest lesson was that none of this is about me.  It's all about HIM... GOD the ALMIGHTY, the GOD in me. 

Today I have a profound yearning to vibrate at a higher level beyond the pettiness with compassion, grace, forgiveness and most importantly love.  I don't exist for me.  I exist to serve in humanity and connectivity.  I am a spiritual being having a human experience and when I lose sight of that magnanimous vision, life bumps me back in line to learn it. 

That's how working through Cancer has aided me.  Working through Cancer has prodded me to listen.  Working through Cancer has jolted me to infuse compassion and self-less absorption into my being.  Having worked through Cancer has taught and continues to show me True North Evolution, that I can consistently exist there some day.

Throughout this past year, I've encountered momentous experiences, those encounters where I've had to pinch myself to remain present. 

Me and Actor/Friend Suki Avery
Backstage at the Queen Latifah Show

Recently I was Blessed to enjoy pampering courtesy of Lipstick Angels, donated wigs for Breast Cancer Survivors and Soldiers by Sherri Shepherd and to share a piece of my experience with a two of my pink sisters on the Queen Latifah Show.



Me and Photographer/Make-up Artist/Pink Sister
Friend Jermica Ragland
Backstage at the Queen Latifah Show
Wigs courtesy of Sherri Shepherd
Make-up courtesy of Lipstick Angels

I'm in this fight to the finish.  I'm not only speaking of the battle of Cancer but the fight to life.  Thank each and every one of you for sharing this journey with me.

MY FEET IN THE SAND: I Am Not My Hair... But I Am...Some Days

Today my Brother-In-Love saw me for the first time in months.  We joked that I have more hair than he does--he's bald.  He praised my short, curly eclectic doo, how it compliments my face and that everybody can't wear short hair, but it's becoming on me.  I've heard that compliment before.

Me Today
Toni Staton Harris

I thanked my Brother-In-Love and admitted that I've had to embrace my new look.  "I really like me with long hair, so I'm going to let it grow back..."  I quoted.  The truth is I love me with long hair and I've had to make me, embrace me with short hair. 

I look different with short hair.  My look is no longer soft--to me.  I don't know if people would dare agree with my assessment, considering they don't want to hurt my feelings and all, having a pinky toe out of Breast Cancer.

I wouldn't dare wear a weave or a wig;  my hair is not long enough for a weave and my head doesn't tolerate a wig too well.  I'm terrified of wearing a stocking cap or a lace front due to the warning from my stylist concerning my edges.  For my friends who are completely unaware of my peril, stocking caps under wigs and lace front wigs cause the edge of your hairline to recede prematurely.  I digress.


If I were to wear a weave or a wig I'd have to admit my true feelings that if not for Cancer, I would continue to wear my hair long and straight.  I'd have to admit, that on some days, I AM MY HAIR after all.

In this moment, I'm willing to let my hair grow as long as it will grow.  I look forward to having a bit more height and weight to my soft curly strands, allowing for more diversity.  But... to completely say, I am not my hair, is not entirely truthful.  Although I enjoy the ease of less fuss and expense with daily hair care.

So for now, I'm working toward not only being my hair or my physical presence.  I work to embrace who I am and what I look like today without reservation or apology to me.  For I know the true secret of beauty and that is Confidence.  I work to become more confident and allow my light to shine before my steps. 

I'm charging me to walk in Faith, Love, Confidence and Beauty, without hiding behind the BOB or my side part under.  Who knows, being forced to be and try something different may end up as the game changer I've craved.

Me with a younger me

I am not my hair... But I Am... But not for long!

MY FEET IN THE SAND: A Look On The Bright Side

I've always been consumed with my weight.  As a child I was proportioned, skinny even.  As a young adult off to college, I gained that Freshman 20 and battled back and forth.  As an adult in my twenties gained a gang of weight, hit my 30's and lost the equivalent to a tween person--I was back to a sleek size 6.  My wedding dress was maybe an 8--wedding dress sizes are always larger--and it had to have minor alterations.

After marriage, I stopped working out, consumed a lot more wine socially, ate decadently and paid for it.  Truthfully, I am still paying for it--currently I am over-weight.  In fact I thought carefully about showing current full body pictures of myself because of my weight.

My Wedding Day

My Advice to Joan Lunden....

Joan Lunden, Breast Cancer

My advice to Joan Lunden.....

1) Formulate your core team i.e. #teamtoni, immediately.  They have to be a group that near or far truly, really and honestly has your back.  They have to be willing to go the distance.  If you happen upon those who can't or won't, don't take it personally and drop that dandelion from your garden immediately.

2) Take a Knee Cadet.  Give yourself a gut check and trust it like never before.

3) Ask for what you want and when you get a no or maybe, don't take it personally just swiftly move on to the next yes.

4) Cautiously and intuitively allow for unsolicited advice.  Now that you've gone public even public with outer core friends, every body and their Grandma is an expert.

5) Friends will be friends, some friends will become acquaintances, other acquaintances will become friends and some gone.  The ones that choose to go, let them go.  Like never before remember, reason, season or lifetime and when season is due...rejoice for the glorious times had.

6) Find your voice and set boundaries as needed with anyone.

7) Be true to yourself and your feelings, we can handle it.

8) Get 2nd and 3rd opinions if need be....follow your gut.

9) Your experience is yours and nobody else's.  Don't let anyone skew your experience.

10) Stay off of the internet!  Find a trusted medical information advocate who can search and disseminate solid information.

11) No.  Is an anointed word.  Use it.

12) Finally, you are the Captain of your own ship.  Your loved ones have a right to their opinion but you make the ultimate choices right for you.

And if you think I only wrote this only for Joan Lunden, repeat steps 1-12!

MY FEET IN THE SAND: I HAD CANCER....IT DIDN'T HAVE ME...STILL DOESN'T!

On September 3, 2013 I found a lump.  It felt like a grape.  It was distinctive and painful.  On September 5 I told my husband, called my sister, the Doctor, told her what I found.  She urged me to call my primary care physician.  Thank God for her because I thought I had to call an OBGYN, of which she is.  She negated that thought.  Tests were done immediately.  I broke down in my Doctor's office that day.  He consoled me.  I told him I didn't know why I was crying, he said I'd obviously been holding it in.  That was a Friday.  "Try not to worry.  Usually, when tumors are cancerous, they aren't painful."  After all there was no change in my skin.  By Tuesday I was at the UCLA Breast Center for an ultrasound, by Thursday I was back for a biopsy.

The next Friday (unbeknownst to me then) my fabulous, fantabulous Dr. Hubbard (primary care physician) had me hooked into with one of the best Breast surgeons in the country.  On Monday evening, he called with the unusual news....Yes, it's cancerous.  You have Breast Cancer.  I was calm.  After my doctor explained that if one has cancer this was the best one to have, it was Inductal Carcinoma, meaning the tumor sat in my milk duct.  The tumor though the size of a large grape was small enough and not to worry, WE were about to kick cancer's ass because Cancer had picked the wrong DIVA.  I would later learn that cancer is cancer, like chemo is chemo.

Calmly I called Injeel.  My husband.  He was in law school at the time, 45 minutes away.  He said he was going to present with his group and return home immediately with a bottle of wine.  We had to celebrate....We know, now it's time to go to war.... was his sentiment.  I called my parents, but only Mom was home.  Dad was at his weekly lodge meeting and Mom was too fragile (in my opinion) to weather this news alone, so I waited until the next day.  I knew she knew but we both played.

With Injeel by my side (we were still in bed), on the next day, I called the parental unit.  "It's cancer...."  I explained all of the particulars.  They were sad but I could tell, they had an attitude of yeah, we're kicking this straight in the ass.  I called my Sissy, my bestie, confidante,  love her dirty drawers....she shifted into BEAST MODE!

From there I immediately assembled my team in my head.  This was instinctive.  I knew I wouldn't get through this without one, after all I live 3000 miles away from my family who all but me reside on the East Coast.  I texted about seven FRIENDS...CAROLE, WINCEY, VONDA, CHANDRA, ERICKA...with the message: CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN TALK, IT'S URGENT!

One by one, they called and I in my least dramatic form gave the news.  Wincey shifted into beast mode...prayer-action.  Carole's attitude was bring it on, Cancer's been waiting on this ass-kicking....Vonda sentimentally pledged her support...Chandra, I hesitated with for some reason, got to her practical self, Toni stop beating around the bush, just tell me! Beast mode....Ericka I told "Man up Ericka, man up!  She later shifted into beast mode (later she revealed that she wanted to kick me in the throat for urging her to man up.  I revealed that I couldn't hold her at the time so I couldn't catch her tears....other team members would be added...Jackie (my older sister) Val (friends since 5th grade), Tammy (Carole's bestie) and her husband Greg, Susan, Aliyah, Suki, Tina, Suki's Mom, Michele, Thensia, Kem....

I was ready.  I was ready to kick Cancer in the ass!  The pieces were in place and thus, how my journey started....

This piece is the beginning of a series of posts, My Feet In The Sand.  A journal chronicling my journey with battling Breast Cancer.  My purpose, to give voice and awareness to the journey, not just the diagnosis and survivorship stages.  Join me!  It's going to be a blast!